I Stand Alone

Late night rambles…

Some nights I lay in bed, my mind racing unable to sleep. Tonight is one of those nights. For the past 2+ hours I’ve been trying to go back to sleep and it’s just not there.

I’m a thinker, so I think. A lot of it centers on my personal views towards things and how that relates to others and things I’ve read, research I’ve done, so on and so forth. But, sometimes its just about life. I like to be informed though. The more you know about something or someone the better you can make a case for or against something or someone. So I read things, newspaper articles, books, magazine articles, research pieces, data, whatever reputable information I can find, from BOTH SIDES of the argument. That last part is important to me. I like to know both sides of the argument. Knowing both sides helps me make an informed decision.

So, nights like this I lay in bed and think. Reflect if you will. For and against. Pros and cons. Argument and counter argument. It goes on like this until I feel satisfied-or just get tired enough that I just fall asleep-with whatever outcome I’ve reached based on facts. Not emotion, or rhetoric, just facts.

Sometimes it’s not even about coming to a new decision, it’s about refining an old one. Using new information, new data, statistics, to reinforce an old decision. This is one of those reinforcing nights. These tend to keep me up less than debating a new position or even challenging an old one, but this one in particular just makes me not like people so its proving difficult to let go.

So here I am, 2+ hours in and I don’t know how much longer to go, but I’m here in bed thinking.

New Orleans

This time tomorrow, I will be in New Orleans! I’ve never been before and I’m pretty excited about it. I’ll be there for a conference, which isn’t as fun as if i was just down there on vacation but, I’ll be at a very nice hotel, with a bunch of dope people. Hopefully I’ll get to do some site seeing while I’m there and take plenty of pictures. Good times await!!

There comes a point in life when you realize that in some ways, you’re becoming your parents. That point came yesterday when my sister was going on and on about the 87 she got on a history test and how she didn’t need to study because she knew the material. 

My reply was simply: That 87 means that there’s 13% of the material you don’t know, therefore you needed to study.

As soon as I said that I told my mother who was sitting across from me: “shit i’m getting old, I sound like you now.” To which she laughed and said “I taught you well.”

As much of a  love / hate relationship my parents and I have, I very much appreciate them for the good things they’ve done for me in life. They’re cool sometimes, this was one of those times. 

Stuff

• It’s day number 3 and I still don’t really have a voice. Maybe about 70% if that. Sunday night/ Monday morning I had zero. 
• I’ve been tasked with learning Excel inside and out. I’m decent in excel-read I know the basics and a little bit more..the important shit-but for what I’m trying to get into, decent isn’t good enough. 
• I’ve also been tasked with learning all I can about analytics by Feb. 4. 
• I don’t fully even know if all of this is something I want to do, or a career field I want to pursue but, its always good to know more stuff. 
• My wallet got delivered today! Ordered it a couple weeks ago, and its a made to order wallet so it just took forever to come. It’s here. I’m excited. 

Thats all. 

As much as I enjoy sex and all that comes with it, sometimes it’s nice to just chill and watch tv, eat some Chinese food and have a drink or two.

The simple things. These simple moments. Sex at its core is well, just sex. These moments though, these mundane lazy moments are memorable. These moments make it all worth it. I’m happy. Content with life.

Birthday

In a few minute, it’ll be Sept 19. Which is also my birthday. Cool beans. I feel ok about it. I’ll be turning 24 this year. I look back at when I was younger and thinking like bruh when im older like its gonna be cool  you know. Like 24 seemed so distant to me like when im 24 I’m gonna be this old as dude like my life is over! Now, it’s that time and i’m like meh, whatever. Perspective. 

It’s interesting looking back at my younger wilder years and seeing the change that has occurred, especially within the past year. I spoke with a very good friend of mine today, my counterpart so to speak because her birthday is also the 19th and she told me she’s proud of me and how much I’ve grown. It made me smile you know. Acknowledgment. It’s a good feeling to just toil away at a task, personal development, whatever, just the pursuit of something, and not expecting people to notice or even care. But, when they do it’s cool. I enjoy that feeling.

Comparing the past birthdays I’ve had, this would be the best I’ve felt about things. About life. Tomorrow is gonna be a good day. 

Lost

Last weekend I had an interesting conversation with a person who for what it’s worth is the female version of me. My counterpart so to speak. Same birthday (Sept 19.), we like the same things (including females), and we generally think the same. She’s more insightful than I am though. Perks of being a female I guess. 

Anyway, she told me I’m a lost soul, just like her. This was in response to me saying I just feel unfulfilled all the time. Not because I’m not doing shit with my life, but really because I feel like I could always be doing more. Like I’m missing out on certain things because of the life I live and my reality so to speak. She contributes it to being “us”. Just part of who we are. Maybe its a Virgo thing I don’t know. It’s an interesting concept though, what she told me is called “The grass is greener syndrome”. After reading enough about it, it’s fucking terrible. And she’s right, I definitely have that. 

Like I don’t want to be this ungrateful person because I do have plenty to be grateful for. The life I live and the people I have in my life are pretty awesome, but I always feel like there’s just more out there. Like I’m wasting my 20’s by not doing more with my life. I’m on this constant pursuit of “happiness” and “fulfillment” and with that it’s easy to get lost in the journey. To not see or appreciate all that you have and what’s going on around you. How green my own grass is if you will. 

Will this new found knowledge change how I feel about life or things in it? I don’t know. It’s a start though right? Acceptance is the first step. We’ll see how it goes. 

The Circle of Life

A few weeks ago my cousin died. It was sad the whole thing, but then something happened shortly after. A person very close to me who i love dearly and hope to have around for a very long time, will hopefully-if things go well-be around for a long time. 

This person was sick, terminally sick. Renal failure. After 6+ years this person got a transplant and is doing very very well. Of note this person received the transplant from a child who was tragically hit by a car. Life is interesting like that. One person dies, another gets a new chance at life. Watching lion King for all those years was never as relevant to me as it was within the past few weeks. 

Im grateful for everything. The good news is I have an internship and its keeping me very busy. The opportunity to be doing what I’m doing and actually making a difference and learning at the same time is something I’m very fortunate to have. The people, well person who played an integral part in even making this internship happen I’m forever grateful to have. Just the past month or so has just taught me to be grateful. For everything and everyone. 

I’m at peace. Busy but at peace. Go hug someone you love today. They’ll appreciate it.